Chapter 1.12: Variety Pack

Have you ever noticed that the variety pack is corporate America's version of a sneak attack? It lures you in, "Look how many flavors you can get. See what a great deal it is? Now you don't have to be stuck with one flavor." The trap is set. Variety packs are often even a better deal than the rest of the available packages. Or sometimes you can't buy the flavor you like best outside of a variety pack (case and point: the Black Raspberry Ices from Costco).

So you look at the variety pack and tell yourself "What a steal! And I like so many of these flavors! It'd be irresponsible not to get it." This line of thought also usually leads to you buying something (or way more of something) that you don't need. Something you weren't going to buy in the first place becomes irresistible (I often do this with books that are cheaper or on sale that I see at bookstores. 20% off of something you weren't planning to buy is still 80% more than you planned to spend). It should be noted that this line of thought is not soundly founded. If you look at it's roots, they are crumbly and the whole thing trembles when rational thought gets too close.

Now, here's where the sneak attack, part two comes in. You get the (granola bars, chips, drinks, cookies, etc.) home and at first, the variety pack pays off. You get enough choices that you aren't bored and hey, you saved on top of everything! You feel pretty smug and very satisfied with your shopping prowess.

But the pack dwindles down and suddenly you're faced with an unexpected issue: there is inevitably one flavor that no one wants and is left over. Usually these leftovers are too numerous to just ignore or throw away. You tell yourself "But, if I throw them away, that'll defeat the purpose of my savvy shopping." You feel that getting rid of something you will never actually use cheapens your victory.

So you hang on to it. Maybe you try foisting the unwanted off on unsuspecting visitors: "No, really, I actually save this flavor 'til the end because I like it best." Maybe you try just sucking it up and eating one or two before deciding that you just can't eat them. The variety pack has sucked you and the next time you shop you are wary, maybe even feeling like it tricked you. You walk past it, knowing the value is not worth the cost. You stay strong, hurt by its trickery, and vow to never buy the variety pack again.

But time passes. You forget what happened with Variety Pack. You look and think, "It wasn't really so bad was it? Maybe I just overreacted and that flavor, while not the best, is pretty okay." So the cycle begins again. Again, that unwanted choice piles up. Again, you finally give up and throw away the lies (but only after it's sat in the cupboard for nine months or so).

And you know the flavors I'm talking about. The grape in your Runts. The oatmeal raisin in your granola bars. The grape Otter Pop. The honeydew melon in the fruit tray. Every flavor aside from the Black Raspberry in the Ice drinks. Everyone has lied to you, innocently hiding behind the shiny facade of wondrous choice. And time after time, the verdict shall be the same. They shall always trick you into trusting them. Until you actually leave the abusive relationship of the variety pack and embrace the single variety boxes who love you and wait patiently until you come back to them.

So what flavors have tricked you using the variety pack trick? And have you finally stopped, or do you just try and foist the unwanted on your friends and the relatives who give you ugly sweaters?