Chapter 3.2: My Heart is Heavy and I Don't Know Why

My soul is heavy with sorrow for the sadness in the world. The past two weeks have been littered with sad news and depressing subjects. Last Thursday, there was an accident on one of the local streets. A car had stopped to let a mother and her three children cross the street. Another driver (both high school students) was driving too fast and couldn't stop before hitting the other car. The mother was injured and her toddler was killed.

This accident and death of a child hurts the compassionate part of me that quietly cries when a child is killed or hurting. It's the same part of me that hurts when I hear about children's hospitals and cancer centers. The part that wants to give half of my proceeds when I become a famous author to children's hospitals and hope they can help those kids stop hurting.

On Friday, in my Children's Lit class, we were discussing how to help children understand and process loss. That's when I learned of the above accident and about the young gay boy who killed himself at Rutgers University after being taped having a romantic encounter and humiliated by his roommate.

This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, romantic moments, even when it's just kissing, are private unless both parties consent to doing them in public. Second, what kind of disconnect in lessons about respect happened to make his roommate believe this was in any way okay? That this is how you should treat another person? My heart cries again for him and the five other gay boys who've taken their lives because of humiliation at the hands of others. I hope that those in the same situation find the support they need before it's too late.

Today, the body of Dwight Clark was found in the bay. This boy, 18-years-old and a freshman at my university, has been missing for about a week and a half. For that week and a half, people have been hoping he'd come home safely. We do not know what happened to him yet, but I do not believe his death was a suicide; drowning is one of the worst ways to die.

I sorrow for his family, whose child was away for a mere week and then went missing. I am glad they have closure on his disappearance, but my heart aches for their loss. I feel sad and burdened and I did not even know the boy. I cannot even begin to imagine how his family his hurting. Parents are not meant to outlive their children. That's why, with a loving family, the love they give runs so deep.

I am sad and I do not know why. My hearts hurts and my soul is weary of the sorrow in the world. I cannot understand why I am so burdened by the death of a boy I did not know and have never met, but I am. Some cannot deal with pain and hurt and sadness. Some don't know how to express what the feel and can't untangle the why. This is part of why I write. To try to make sense of the world, even when there is no sense to be had. I write because by the end, my heart hurts a little less, I feel a little less troubled, and I can go on trying to find the joy the world has to give.

I'm sorry for this more morose post. I may have some time tomorrow to write another and I have two topics to choose from. Would you rather see some of my writing or...I swear there was another topic, but I lost it. So I may put up some writing, unless no one wants to see it and then I'll think of something else.